Dear Mummy growing a rainbow

So you finally have that positive pregnancy test you so very much wanted so you should be so happy right ?  but instead of that happy excited feeling you expect to feel, that you have seen your freinds and family go through,  seen on so many shows and movies,  your filled with a ball of emotions scared to be happy right now….. it’s OK to feel like this

Instead of the lines on the test sending images of a baby in your arms, you start to stress, think of last time, think of the heartbreak, the clinical terms used and so  very detached support given.  You don’t want to tell anyone just in case, you count the dates and then look up on Dr google to see what symptoms you ‘ should be feeling’  and worry when you don’t. Then on top of that, you worry that the stress you are going through now you know your pregnant, is going to harm the baby .

Pregnancy after loss can turns one of the most beautiful times in your life and make it look ugly

I can’t sit here and tell you everything will be fine this time, no one can but in the same breath I can’t say it will end to soon, but what I can tell you is, this pregnancy is new, and with new comes hope.

I write this as I have been there before, to many times! Checking multiple times a day for bleeding, checking my boobs to see if they still really do hurt, spend my days counting down the days to the gestation  I got to before to get past it and know everything is still ok and preparing myself for the worst.

But….

By doing this I didn’t let myself enjoy my pregnancies that gave me my 2 beautiful children and looking back all I can think of is my anxiety all the way through.

I want to tell you, all you are feeling is ok and your not alone in feeling this.  Miscarriage unfortunately is kept way to silent and happens way to often.

It can be such a lonely time when all you want to do is be positive but you don’t feel you can let yourself believe it will be all ok.
Take the time enjoy your pregnancy even just for a moment and set small goals throughout the pregnancy, it wont feel as daunting.

Mine were firstly to make it to booking in appointment, then 12 weeks then 16, 20, and 24 and so on.. bite size chucks to make it feel a little more achievable.

It can be OK, even at the most bleak looking pregnancy it can be successful.

I have 2 rainbow babies as proof