You hear the phrase ‘Being a mum is the hardest but most rewarding thing you will ever do.’ and yes I agree with that statement but for me becoming a mum was the hardest thing I have ever done, miscarriage after miscarriage left me feeling like it would never be.
Hearing words like not viable, blighted ovum and slow heartbeat became the norm and looking for bleeding at every moment became a routine. At each loss the only silver lining I could find was I was a stepmum to a wonderful boy, but as much as I tried to grasp onto that it didn’t really make me feel any better.
I started questioning things.. Did I really want to go through it again ? Is my body telling me I shouldn’t be a mum ? Is it not meant to be?
I had people around me suggest looking into adoption, well that was a possibility but in my mind I questioned it, through the black cloud of grief thinking, my body doesn’t want me to be a mum so maybe I should listen. Grief is such a horrible thing and when you get that glimmer of hope your mind convinces you not to get your hopes up even when everything is looking positive.
With all this in mind, I decided to set myself a deadline, a date that I would give up trying and writing off the biological motherhood dream. I set a date, don’t know if it was a good or bad idea to set it against my 31st birthday but I did. That gave me a end date.
You would be forgiven thinking it was in the realms of fantasy, but 4 days before my 31st birthday, I got a shock. Not really knowing why I was wanting to test, maybe it could have been because the following day was our 7 year wedding anniversary, and we had planned to go out and celebrate with alcohol.
I brought and took a pregnancy test, I honestly cant to this day understand what compelled me to buy, let alone take the test but I did, and those 2 lines came up!
And therefore after 15 unexplained miscarriages, this was my last glimmer of hope, and the reason now I have a 5 year old sprawled on our bed watching angry birds toons.
When the world says, “Give up”. Hope whispers ” Give it one more try”.- unknown