Penning Emotions – Disillusioned after Loss

I was sifting through some old files, doing a bit of a digital spring clean and came across a few pieces I had written years ago, before I claimed this little space of the internet. I had posted it to a little personal blogger account I had. Writing has always been the way I could express my emotions and after miscarriage, pregnancies are filled with so much anxiety.

Penning emotions – Disillusioned after loss

I wrote this back in October 2015, when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Ro. At the time I didn’t know if this would just end again like the others, another premature birth or actually go to full term.

The writing I found:

Well it could well be happening, a little brother or sister for J.  
I’m 12 weeks pregnant so I should be able to start enjoying my pregnancy now right ?
Start having those fantastic pregnancy feelings you read so much about ?

You read and hear so much how people enjoyed their pregnancy, and was a fantastic time in their life.  Watching that bump get bigger, feeling those kicks and going on shopping trips to all the baby shops. I am struggling to see all these points right now, they feel so far from reality, a work of fiction or rose coloured nostalgic memories from a broody mum wanting another child.

Maybe I should explain my scepticism of the perfect beautiful pregnancy.

1)    I am constantly on edge, scared of miscarriage – you may say that’s a normal fear and can relax soon. I don’t think I can, what is written there tells the route of my fears.  1 + 18 . This refers to my previous pregnancy history , J plus 18 pregnancies lost, which broke my heart each time.

2)   So after the pregnancy surpasses the gestation of my previous losses,  I could start relaxing right ? Well I thought that with my pregnancy with J. I set little targets with him and told myself once I got to 24 weeks I could stop being so nervous and start really enjoying the pregnancy.  That didn’t happen. I hit 24 + 5 and found myself in labour ward, on bed rest and having a cervix stitch put in. J was born at 27+1.

I think time will only tell if my anxiousness, feeling on edge, scared to tell people I’m pregnant , scared to buy anything or even let myself be happy I’m expecting will go and I get all the feelings we dream and read about.

   

The pregnancy was filled with anxiety.

My pregnancy with Ro, up to her birth was filled with anxiety, sometimes crippling. I didn’t start getting things ready for her until a couple of weeks before I was scheduled for induction. I recognised I was struggling and sought help. This included having an open and frank conversation with my Manager at work .

Very few people knew I was pregnant until over 34 weeks, only weeks before I started maternity leave. Telling people or buying things early would just jinx things , that’s what my mind was telling me anyway.

After J was born, I had felt cheated by not getting to term, not really getting a baby bump, or attend antenatal classes. Not being able to hold him after he was born, all the normal things. With Ro, I got to my induction date however her birth was not as straight forward.

With her getting wedged, blood loss and an emergency C-Section she arrived into this world. The anxiety of pregnancy loss was replaced in a single moment with motherhood anxiety!