Growing moonbows are never easy, it takes a dash of hope, a sprinkle of magic and a bucket full of madness. This is the story of J, a series of letters written while on the rollercoaster of pregnancy
You are there!
I’ve just read the words ‘Pregnant’ on the display of a pregnancy test and I’m in a little bit of shock!
It is the day before my 7th Wedding Anniversary and we had plans to go for a few drinks to celebrate, I had even booked the following day off work for recovery. Looks like those plans are changing.
I do not know why I brought a test in the supermarket today, or why I decided to pee on that said test because I have no symptoms of being pregnant, my boobs don’t even hurt. Well, I did and now I know you are there. What makes it even more of a shock is it is 4 days before my 31st birthday, the date I set that I would give up on my dream of having a baby.
Is this fate? Will you stick in there a grow or will my body betray us both and end all too soon? I guess only time will tell. As soon as I saw the words, I called up your dad to show him, though I had to keep it quite because your big brother is over for the weekend and we need to keep this to ourselves right now. When your dad saw this, his medical head went on and remembered what the
Recurrent Miscarriage Consultant said. He phoned your Aunty to let her know, as she could let the other specialist midwives know about you when she was next in work. She told me to ring the doctor, explain the test results and to start folic acid 5mg and 75mg Asprin. It is a godsend your Aunty is a midwife.
I am quite scared, I don’t want to get my hopes up, get excited, but I want you more than life itself so all I can do now is just hope you are all safe in there and growing.
These past two weeks have been busy !
The day following our anniversary, we got a phone call to tell us we had an appointment with the midwives in the afternoon, so we took the trip down to Manchester to see the diabetic midwives who will be looking after us. The midwife I saw was lovely and she started me on a different medication. She got me logging my sugars at more regular intervals and booked me in the following week for an appointment. I left the appointment with a feeling I hadn’t before, a feeling of being really supported this time. Maybe it might just make a difference.
The following week, my sugars were still all up and down from the pregnancy targets they wanted me at, so we decided to give you the best possible chance, I would stay in the hospital for 48 hours and be put on a sliding scale. This is an insulin drip and hourly sugar readings, which meant very little sleep but if it helps you, it is so very worth it.
After the 48 hours, the Doctor did some calculations and gave me specific insulin amounts to have during the day and I could go home with an appointment to see the midwives again the following week. What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been, I really hope you are still nice and safe growing in there.
I don’t know if your OK!
The morning of my third midwife appointment, I had bleeding. I sent a text to your Aunty and went back to lay in bed. I rang my boss and told him I need the day off and explained the situation. My heart sank, blood has never been a good sign for me. I rang and was given an appointment for a scan the same day, after a couple of hours the bleeding had stopped but I felt empty as both your dad and I drove to Manchester. I waited nervously for the scan, feeling so nauseous not from pregnancy as I still didn’t really have any symptoms but from worry.
When I was scanned there was a little sac measuring just over 5 weeks and no sign of where the bleeding was coming from. Though seeing the sac didn’t reassure me as it would have got a positive pregnancy test at 3 and a half weeks. We were advised to get a scan in 2 weeks time to see any progress. I kept questioning myself on the drive home. Had you stopped growing? Is this all going to come to an end?
For the following week I was beside myself, I couldn’t concentrate at all, I spoke to my midwives about this, and they booked me in for a scan to go along with my appointment because of my anxiousness. Daddy couldn’t come this time as he had to have blood tests. I got to the scan waiting room, so anxious and expecting the worst. As they scanned me it didn’t look good, as all she could see was a sac, that had grown to 15.4mm but was empty, it was just millimeters shy of when they would call it a blighted ovum. I drove home crying, feeling completely alone and I don’t know if you are going to make it, but I can’t give up just yet. They are going to scan me in 2 weeks and then we will know if you are OK.