We have all heard the saying, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but do we really believe it? We used to point a finger at magazines for promoting unrealistic views on bodies, using airbrushing and image manipulation on the photos. Now we are doing it, use filters, perfect angles and tools to show modified version of ourselves. But body image isn’t all of you.
My Body image isn’t great
From a young age I disliked my body, wishing it was different. I wanted the scars to no longer be there, my joints to behave normally and not restrict me. I can remember through my teens wishing so much to have a belly button. At that time and through my teens, it wasn’t about being thin, being as airbrushed as the magazines. I just wanted to have a normal body.
At nearly 40, I am still not loving my body. I hate that I am overweight and feel fat and frumpy. Hate that I am restricted in what I can do. Going clothes shopping isn’t a fun experience for me most times, both cause of weight and the impact surgeries has had on my body shape. I am trying to lose weight ,but would that make me happy with my body? The jury is still out on that one.
Over the years my view has shifted.
I have come in someways to live with my scars, I know they tell the story of me. , If I was offered the plastic surgery to give me a belly button tomorrow, I am not sure if I would take it. Although, fixing my joints or teeth is a different matter. I can’t help but question if the miscarriages I went though were due to defects in my body and If my body let me down caused J to come so early. I am trying to lose the weight but will that make me happy with my body?
I may dislike my body, hate photos of myself and even threaten Dave if he takes a photo of me, his camera will end up in an orifice, but body image is only one aspect of what makes me, me. I need to remember that more often.
I would like to think I am successful in my job, and an element of my job means standing up in front of people and running workshops or training sessions. I find confidence in what I know, what’s inside my brain. Have a conversation about technical elements or something I know well and I can come across self assured and confident. In other social situations I feel very self conscious.
My relationship with my body hasn’t really changed over the years though what is important has. I am not sure I will ever be fully comfortable in my own skin, but look past the exterior and I am happy with the person I am, what I stand for. Though still hate to even look in the mirror. Body image really isn’t all of you.