Day 4 – Mummy guilt has hit

I’m grabbing a few rare quiet moments this morning sat on my back door step with coffee in hand.  My mind running through what I’m sure is 2 days worth of mental digestion it hasn’t had the chance to do, when it comes across the always present mummy guilt.

Most of the things J has asked to do has had the reply of …. When I just finishing doing X with R/  finish feeding R/ When she is asleep and there trips my mummy guilt. He hasn’t complained and has been really good and helpful but I just can’t help but feel I’m letting him down.

Last night when putting him to bed he asked me a question that probably set this whole thought process in motion ..

Mummy, when daddy is home again can we have some Mummy and J time?

When I started back at work after J was born on weekends we had always had Mummy and J time and that’s what we called it .. our special time. Since R came along nearly 19 weeks ago we haven’t really done that, and this week with daddy away has meant J has had to be asked to wait so many times. Each time I have had to ask him to wait or hush,  I have tried to explain to him why but how much does a 5 year old really take in and understand?

I can’t help but think he might feel pushed out and second to me, and I don’t know if he does, or if I am not getting the ever shifting balance of having 2 kids right.

She needs quite a lot of my attention but so does he, and cause he can do things for himself and can understand, he is the one to wait for things. I just hope he doesn’t feel pushed out and not important.

Each day I have made a point to have a chat with him, tell him how big of a help he has been, how proud of him I am and how he is so special to me, but are my actions contradicting my words?

Mummy guilt is horrible and every mother goes through it probably daily . I know I do  but I also know I’m doing my best for both my kids.

Today we are doing more arts and crafts so that should help quiet that guilt a little.

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