I’m grabbing a few rare quiet moments this morning sat on my back door step with coffee in hand. My mind running through what I’m sure is 2 days worth of mental digestion it hasn’t had the chance to do, when it comes across the always present mummy guilt.
Most of the things J has asked to do has had the reply of …. When I just finishing doing X with R/ finish feeding R/ When she is asleep and there trips my mummy guilt. He hasn’t complained and has been really good and helpful but I just can’t help but feel I’m letting him down.
Last night when putting him to bed he asked me a question that probably set this whole thought process in motion ..
Mummy, when daddy is home again can we have some Mummy and J time?
When I started back at work after J was born on weekends we had always had Mummy and J time and that’s what we called it .. our special time. Since R came along nearly 19 weeks ago we haven’t really done that, and this week with daddy away has meant J has had to be asked to wait so many times. Each time I have had to ask him to wait or hush, I have tried to explain to him why but how much does a 5 year old really take in and understand?
I can’t help but think he might feel pushed out and second to me, and I don’t know if he does, or if I am not getting the ever shifting balance of having 2 kids right.
She needs quite a lot of my attention but so does he, and cause he can do things for himself and can understand, he is the one to wait for things. I just hope he doesn’t feel pushed out and not important.
Each day I have made a point to have a chat with him, tell him how big of a help he has been, how proud of him I am and how he is so special to me, but are my actions contradicting my words?
Mummy guilt is horrible and every mother goes through it probably daily . I know I do but I also know I’m doing my best for both my kids.
Today we are doing more arts and crafts so that should help quiet that guilt a little.